I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
