You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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