how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
