He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
