i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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