I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
