Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
