I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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