she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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