census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
