i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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