thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
