Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I will be naked everywhere
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
