Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
