can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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