Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
