I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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