Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
