I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
