He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
