Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
