Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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