I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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