you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
