all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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