My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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