she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
