The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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