Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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