I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
