I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
