the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
