Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
