my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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