if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
