I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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