Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
