My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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