I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
