It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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