Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
