Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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