so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
