I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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