I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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