how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
