dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
