I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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