I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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