all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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