Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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