does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
