I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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