She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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