i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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