Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this boner is exhausting
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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