Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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